The top two things that I’ve seen a lot of guys do. Most guys do this. Most guys make this mistake. The reason why I’m doing this now is because I only realised yesterday it’s actually on a sliding scale of the same emotional polarity, but your’e two different ends of the scale.
And I thought that’s really weird…
I’ve interacted with and it’s come down to actually trying to pull, trying to seduce girls, or whatever does this, and you know, I’m lucky because I’ve been able to see it both sides of the fence. I’ve been the guy who chose. I’ve made these mistakes. I’m about to tell you some stuff and I have made these mistakes believe me, but I’ve also been able to sit on the other side of the fence. I’m lucky enough to have a lot of female friends. Some of them are very good looking so I have heard the I’ve been lucky enough to be able to sit with them and watch guys try and approach them and see what guys do.
Mistake number one is putting them on a pedestal.
This is something that I see guys doing very very quickly. Especially when the girl is of a perceived high value this happens much more. So if the guy is thinking either she is really really good-looking, or this girl is the perfect girlfriend material for me. She ticks his main boxes. She ticked my boxes. She ticks the boxes that I have, you know, whatever your boxes.
She’s off – we won’t get into that. But everybody has boxes right? Everyone has boxes to protect remember and a guy will look at his goal and go. Oh my God, she is perfect for me. She’s the one Some bullshit then starts running through the head and then the guy changes because he immediately puts her up high on that pedestal.
It’s not sexy. It’s not. It’s really not. It’s not sexually attractive because you’re then putting the goal not on a conscious level, but I think what men and women need to realize, especially when it comes to attraction relationships, as we’re giving out a lot more information than we realize, you know, you think you’re all poker face and you’re not really giving anything away, but giving a hell of a lot of away and you don’t even know it, which is why it’s good that I always advocate for people.
If they’re going to have strategies for dating or seduction, whatever else, it has to be as authentic as possible. I’m not in the fake it Telly Telly make it Brigade. I’m not into the, use of psychological strategies to convince people. You’re something or you’re not. I’m like more of the mindset of just be the type of person who could get the type of person that you want to be with. It’s a lot easier and it’s much more natural. And so that’s one thing putting them on a pedestal is and put them too high. So the goal feel that she’ll then feel pressured.
It’s also not going to make her feel attracted to you, because you’re now not emitting strong decisive censored masculine energy. You’re now emitting like an acolyte or a worshiper energy, which is very, you know. I’ve sat there. There’s a mate of mine who some of you will know, who does modeling in the lads mags in the UK and I’ve sat in bars.
What guys supplicate themselves in front of her, in the most disgusting ways like, oh my God, you’re so beautiful. You’re so amazing. It’s like an angel came down from heaven and I’m sitting there, going really want to smell this girl’s farts man? She has serious issues, especially after Red Bull gross, but yet going on that pedestal very very dangerous territory, and then the other end of the emotional scale and it’s usually the same guys weirdly enough.
Because they are coming from a state of extreme scarcity, it is bitterness and they don’t even know that they’re doing it. They don’t even realize.
The kind of weird needy self-hating and also other hating bitterness, that comes out and this, is where you know. My take on it is a little bit different to most. People actually often feel quite sorry for good-looking girls, you know, when it comes to bratty attitudes and just bad attitude. The Stereotype is a stereotype of reasonably good-looking girls that tend to be a little bit worse than others, because they’re humans and they’re opportunistic and they’re getting away with as much as they can as soon as they can.
But consider that they have to deal with continual meta communication from their environment. That’s actually quite negative. Especially from other women as a good looking girl.
Pretty much every other thing in your environment you’re going to have a difficult relationship with now, as men we don’t get to see this as much You’ve really got to try and get into that world and see all the little tiny little bits of jostling for position. All the tiny little bits of negative communication, the verbal communication that is loaded and has double meanings and all the rest. It’s quite difficult. Let me say that for good looking women, every guy loves her. Yes, and no because it’s not real.
Of an appreciation and I don’t mean real love there with a big full marks Valentine cards love “I’m in love”, like where you just genuinely feel positive. You genuinely feel good. It’s not a good feeling. They’re not receiving genuinely good vibes. They’re receiving needy vibes and they’re receiving slightly negative vibes as well because the guys that want them don’t know if they can get them. So as much as they love them for being pretty and talented or whatever it is. That’s generating the attraction. There’s also hatred there because I hate you for making me feel less than. I hate you for being somebody unattainable. I’m bitter about the fact that I want you and I can’t get you. This is a male-female thing, but I notice it more in men and it’s a thing that I think.
Men who struggle with this issue really really need to get over it. If you’re one of those guys you stick women up on a pedestal, you’re going to struggle to pull, because it’s weird. You’re not being yourself, not being you. You would see what I’ve noticed happens with a lot of men as you get to them. That is them. Like if you’re sat there playing Call of Duty with them and you’re just chilling or you’re having a few drinks and you’re having a laugh and they’re being funny, and they’re being authentic and down-to-earth and all the rest of that and then what happens?
If you bring a pretty available girl into the room, everything changes and they go all weird and stuff and then they’ll start trying to show off and they’ll dust that, you know, they’ll start saying stupid stuff women do this as well. Like human beings do this as soon as you change the environment.
My rule for inside my head is this: as soon as I, not just in a sexual context, as soon as you feel the urge to impress the other person, press the big red button in your mind. That is marked shut the f*ck up. I’ve met heroes of mine in the past and I’ve said some stupid things to people just through the desire to impress, and what I’ve brought, etc. and I’ve had the opportunity to be on the receiving end of that. I’ve had guys come up to me and they say weirdly insulting inappropriate things because there’s little bit of hero worship there. But there’s also it’s tainted with jealousy and it’s tainted with resentment.
And they also want you to respect them for being them. They want to do what they want because “I’m not like those other guys“. I’m cooler than them. So I’m going to say something. I’ve had guys call me names, you know, guys who actually genuinely like me and they genuinely like the work that I do, and they respect me, but they want my respect so much they end up saying something stupid, you know, really, really rubbish jokes, you know, they’ll slap me on the back and go, “yeah, but you are a bit of a concern you that one time but the equivalent of that happen many times” and I’m like, dude just calm down, just get back inside your own energy field and calm down, at the other end of the scale. This bitterness thing is worse because it’s nasty. That’s not sexy either. Somebody who’s coming at you with a very needy but nasty vibe. I’ve had a couple of girls do this to me recently. You know, I was at a opening of a bar in London. I was out with my mom and my stepdad, so I was hardly looking for getting girls numbers, but some girl came up to me and she openly – now I’m psychologist and I’ve been a counselor for years. I know how vulnerable people truly are and know that beneath the mask everybody’s riddled with insecurities and vulnerability. So when somebody does this to me, I am very kind. It doesn’t matter what they look like. It doesn’t matter what my level of interest is. I know how hard it is to just cold approach somebody and start talking to them.
So I started here in terms of positivity like yes, you’re welcome. Come over and let’s talk. I’m going to be nice to you. I’m going to give you two minutes of my time. At least, you know, let’s keep this dignified and nobody needs to feel weird and horrible after this. But the girl in question obviously felt a little bit insecure because she thought she was older than me. She wasn’t and she had a son who was 15. So in the first 30 seconds of communication with me, what she actually wanted was to just talk to me and meet me. But what came out of her mouth was a lot of very passive aggressive bullshit. Like I used to have beads on this wrist. I know it’s kind of gay. I know it’s kind of a middle class white guy traveler thing, but I got them from the Buddhist temple in Thailand and I liked them. So the first thing she comes over and she says, oh hey, so you’re the kind of tramp who was beads like that, and I’m like, okay you’ve opened me. I didn’t walk into your face lovey or opening.
She’s like, yeah, you seem like a nice guy, but I don’t think you can handle me. You know, I’ve got it. I’ve got it. I’ve got someone who’s 15 and I was like, wow, this is some of the worst chat up material of my whole life, but why is it happening? It’s feelings of insecurity there and then that that generates a sense of bitterness and then you’re like, well, why do I feel insecure? This guy is making me feel insecure?
Girls your whole vibe transmits that you can’t talk to somebody, and kid them about what emotional state you’re actually in. I mean if you learn to get good at that, you’re basically training yourself to be a bit of a psycho. So don’t, please don’t do that. Please just be natural and you’ll get a lot of approach avoidance. I was listening to Tyler the PUA instructor from RSD Nation, Tyler Durden, the other day and he says it’s like when people get in the car and put the accelerator on and the brakes at the same time.
They want to move forward but the stop themselves from doing it. More recently a girl tried to start talking to me, but she didn’t.
She’s German. She looks at me. She thought I was German. I was in a swimming pool. I had a knee injury. I was stretching my knee. I was in a lot of pain. I’ve also had this ear drum burst in a fight when I was a kid and she started talking to me. As I was in the middle of grimacing in pain, pulling my knee up to my chest, and and she swam over, water splashing into my right ear. So I was temporarily deaf and then just gave me a short fire burst in German, assuming that I was German, trying to introduce herself to me.
I was telling you the way it sounds, like when people are in a foreign country, when people are talking in foreign language. I don’t look at them and go “you talking to me?”. I just go there, people talking in foreign I ignore, you know. If somebody starts talking Cantonese or Dutch in front of me, I don’t go “you talking to me?”. I just sit down and ignore. If they really want to talk to me. They’ll make it obvious.
The consequence of this is she then thought I was ignoring her. I didn’t realize till afterwards when I turned and looked at these two girls, and how shitty they got about the scenario. I think she was actually trying to talk to me. And now when I see them and try let them know that I want to know, they’ve really taken it to heart. It’s approach avoidance. It’s like guys do it, girls do it, and go into a good state first.
Similarly if you’re trying to impress somebody or you’re meeting a hero, I always say the mind will go into complexity when it’s stretched and try and make it simple. So if I meet somebody now… I met an actor call Brian Cox recently. I’ve started working as a doorman in clubs and West End London in Christmas. I met a few people who I have respect for and Brian Cox the actor and Damon Albarn of blur. I mean a few people. But there it is – you will feel that desire to impress. The best way to handle it I think, is to go simple. Do not act like simple, but to maintain a simple strategy, be polite because your brain will say “don’t be polite” “be super cool” they’ll be impressed with how cool you are. It’s not impressive just be polite if you feel like you need to say something like hey, I really really like your work, then just say that don’t say anything more than that. Don’t try and stand out from the crowd.
Don’t try to impress them with how cool you are. just go “Hey, I think you’re brilliant actor. I’ve been following you for years and I really love what you do”. That’s fine. Because you’ve got to be realistic about this? What do you want from the interaction? What are you transmitting? What are you seeking to communicate?
I am talking to guys who, especially when they’re frustrated and they’re pissed off, you know, because the game as it currently stands, where it comes to seduction between men and women. It’s not fair. There’s a lot of contradictions.
That means it’s a bit of a mess. Everybody’s very very confused about what they really want. We’ve also suffered a lot of cultural indoctrination, so that we think we want certain things that we probably don’t really want – they are convenient to some other agenda, that’s not our own, but really, the way I look at all the stuff is, it doesn’t need to be some complex psychological explanation. It’s all a totally natural world and is full of people because we’ve been hooking up and having relationships with each other.
Hundreds of thousands of years. This is an unconscious process. It really isn’t about you. You don’t need to impress the other person by being rude or by being super cool by telling them that you have things, or that you own things, or that you do things. You can more easily impress the person by just being calm, staying centered, being polite and building a rapport with them, and don’t use any special techniques, just find out about the the other person or just going to a good place. Smile.
Then you know that whatever’s going to happen, happens. If you’re putting the person on a pedestal, press that big red button that says shut the up. You’re probably better off getting out from the scenario. If you are one of these guys. now particularly if you meet a girl and she goes straight on the pedestal, you’re probably better off just walking away and saying okay, this ain’t going to work because now I really really like you, so I’m going to be weird because that’s just the way things are. You’ve either got to take her off that pedestal and give her the chance to just be a normal flawed insecure vulnerable human being, the same as you. If you cannot do that, walk away.
If you’re experiencing a lot of bitterness when you’re approaching somebody or your whole vibe towards somebody is like, “I love you, but I hate you for making me love you and I feel so bad and it’s your fault and you’re too good for me”, but I would say either, if you can’t get hold of your mind. If you can’t work your mind out of that. There are techniques for doing that. There are techniques for getting yourself out that emotional state.
Drop it, because you will not get what you’re looking for approaching somebody in that way, whether it’s a cold approach and you’ve got like 30 seconds to make an impression in a bar or a club where it’s really noisy and people are banging into you, or whether you work with the person. It’s an ongoing thing over time. If you feel funny about that person, you’re going to admit funniness and I don’t mean haha funny. If you feel weird about that person, you’re going to do weirdness if you feel conflicted about that person. You’re probably going to come across as a bit creepy and non confident. You’ve got to get yourself back to the place where you feel calm where you feel happy in yourself. I need you to completely where you like, you know, I’m doing my own thing. You can join if you want or or not, which is another thing that’s occurred to me, as really, we’re looking to each other to be the answer. So guys are looking to go through the answer to a question and girls are looking to guys to be an answer to a question.
This is cultural. It’s not genetic. I’m not a sexist. It’s a cultural phenomenon.
We need to be the answer. Don’t be a question, be an answer that maybe sounds a little bit too philosophical unpretentious. But what I mean by that is if your’e seeking to take something. You’re already coming from a very weak position. Whereas if you come and you’re like, okay join my pie, join my gang, get on board with me. That’s different. Saying can I please come with you? Can you make me better? Can you improve me? Yours? You’re sort of saying. Hey, you can if you want, it’s optional. I don’t really need you to but it’d be nice. If you did come this way. Then that’s a whole different vibe. So be the answer. Don’t be a question. Be very very much focused on this.
It is now our our culture to think what I want, what do I want, what I want, It’s not a great question to ask. I don’t think anybody’s truly entered states of happiness and calm and tranquility by going “what I want”. What do I want? What do I want when it comes to relationships. If you start to think in terms of well, what kind of person would I need to be? What kind of a vibe do I need to admit? What kind of things do I need to be doing in my life to just naturally attract the kind of people that I want to be with, that’s a lot more powerful.
Powerful, and it’s a lot more sane than relying on psychological trickery techniques, tools & tactics. I guess, you know, particularly for guys, be aware of putting girls on a pedestal and be aware of sort of hating them slightly, and coming with that bitter attitude because your state is always transmitted…